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Parodies - Austen Powers: Lydia's True Colours

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” Elizabeth did a perfect imitation of her mother’s stalwart voice and giggled. “Mother’s probably already hit accept on the event invitation to the Netherfield Charity Auction, hoping to have us all married off by tomorrow.”

She and every desperate mother out there,” Lydia scoffed. “Following nineteenth century advice for twenty-first century debauchery. Isn’t spending the night with the highest bidding stranger called prostitution?”

“These men are from the upper echelons – scholars, scientists, business tycoons,” Elizabeth insisted. “They can’t just sign up for any ordinary dating service. And they’re paying for our company, not sex.”

“Doesn’t mean they don’t have their perversions. Didn’t they say Netherfield Hall still has underground dungeons? Bet that’s where buyers test out their purchases.”

Oh, Lydie,” Elizabeth sighed. “Don’t you ever get tired of one night hookups? Dream of someone tall, rich and handsome giving you a life of wealth and privilege?”

“I can’t think of a more boring existence than being tied to one man.” A wicked light came into Lydia’s eyes. “Now being tied up by a man…” Her lewd smile puckered into a pout. “Really hope Wickham will cock his rifle in my direction when he’s stationed here next. Didn’t have time to put more than a hand up my skirt when I sneaked out to meet him at the pub last night.”

“And you wonder why Mother says no decent man will ever have you.” Elizabeth feigned offense but a secret part of her wished she had her sister’s confidence and sense of adventure. “Aren’t you afraid of a scandal?”

“Scandal will be my fifteen minutes of fame, sis! How is your Mr. Darcy these days, by the way? Still holding out on you because our parents are from the wrong side of the tracks?”

Although Elizabeth’s face flooded with mortified colour, she stood her ground. “His latest letter is full of apology. He even mentioned that he’ll make things right between Jane and Bingley. Bingley’s perfect for Jane, don’t you think?”

“Don’t change the subject,” Lydia wagged a finger. “You know damn well Darcy hasn’t changed his opinion about our family. He just knows offending you means he won’t get past your petticoats.”

“Oh, here comes Jane!” Elizabeth chirped, anxious to cease the talk of Darcy. “And she’s got a letter in her hand and the brightest smile on her face. Janie, oh my, you must have good news!”
Their older sister, Jane, undoubtedly the beauty of the three in Elizabeth’s opinion, twirled towards them on the garden path. “Bingley and I are to be married!” she sang out.

(c) Kristy Kassie, 2017


A new twist on an old classic.

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